My unhappy family becoming happy and contributive

Shared at the Greater South Asian Kickoff Meeting, SGI Northeast Zone, New York Culture Center, June 5, 2004

Good afternoon. I have been practicing Nichiren Buddhism with the SGI for 12 years now. I'm a college professor and teach courses in business at the State University of New York at New Paltz. If not for the crucial support my friends and SGI members, I would not be able to share this victory in life. My experience is about how the practice of chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo changed my bitter relationship with my family into a meaningful one.

We were a large family of 3 brothers, 3 sisters, parents and grandparents. I was the youngest among siblings - the baby of the family. I was born in the city of Gaya not far from the Boddhi tree under which Shakyamuni is said to have attained enlightenment. My home name is “Pankaj” meaning Lotus and the school name “Harshwardhan” named after an emperor of the ancient India who was also the grandson of the legendary Emperor Ashoka. I doubt if my parents really thought of Buddhism when they gave me these names. In the Indian religious environment, people in general have a very positive perception of Shakyamuni Buddha only that Buddhism itself is now extinct except for its symbolic presence and a reminder of a glorious phase in the Indian history. Even though a Hindu Brahmin, my mother devotedly worshipped Shakyamuni’s statue as one among many Gods. She also had the picture of Mahatma Gandhi on her alter.

Back to my relationship with my family, I had been deeply resentful and ashamed of my family as far back as I can recall. It wasn’t without a basis. As I try thinking of my earliest childhood experience, I remember waking up in the middle of the night by the angry voice of my drunken father who was pointing a double-barrel gun at my mother and threatening to kill her while my siblings wept urging dad not to harm our mother. I can't tell you how frightened and helpless I was and how protective I felt towards my mom.

This was my family environment - stressful and intense. Constant screaming at each other and putting down the other person was a way of life. We didn't know what happy moments were like except when there was a brief period of silence and making up between fights. I felt truly ashamed in front of neighbors who had helplessly witnessed such extreme family disharmony. My father was a high ranking government official - an honorable, honest and kind man but he was kind to others - not us. He had the worst temper and his chemistry with my mom was totally out of sync. He had high expectations of my mom and his children, but did not know how to encourage. Instead he constantly scolded and humiliated us – often in front of others. Agreed he provided us with good amenities and material comfort, but there was no happiness.

I desired peace in family for everyone but being the youngest, I could not because everyone dominated me. I couldn't be a peacemaker instead became an excellent daydreamer. This was my way to escape the reality of family bitterness. I just wanted to sleep a lot all day - long if possible.

I was a good student and I studied very hard. I'm not sure why I studied hard except because I thought education would ensure good livelihood and a good career may provide the answer to all my problems. Up until my high school, my father was posted in small towns which had deprived school systems. Since my father wanted to keep his children close to him, my siblings and I went to schools with poor facilities. My middle school up until the 7th grade, for example, did not have a building of its own. Hence the school assembled on the brick floors of a local temple. We students sat on floor with sacks. Interestingly, the roof of this building was conspicuously missing after a big storm. That meant - whenever it rained, the school would recess ..ting-ting-ting – the bell would ring and we kids will scream out CHHUTTEEE (meaning it’s breaktime)!!!. You can well imagine how secretly we wished for rain to happen everyday. No luck however …

Amidst these poor educational facilities, I did exceptionally well. The biggest credit goes to my mother who gave her 100% into our education at home. She was my best teacher. Believing that education makes one resourceful, studying hard became my way to overcome the resentment that I harbored towards my family environment.

After high school, I left the family environment to join college .. WOW ! First time I breathed freedom. It felt like a release from the prison.. never wanting to look back. I put my 100% to get into top competitive schools. After persevering much in entrance exams, I got admission into a fiercely competitive and prestigious school in India - IIT - Indian Institute of Technology - acknowledged as a premier institution for engineering around the world. (In fact, the TIME magazine had a cover story on this school about a year back.)

We were called the "cream of the nation". I enjoyed the status but never really wanted to be an academic performer. Instead, I chose to do all that would give me immediate pleasure - give me an escape. I chased fame, craved for a perfect woman and was constantly dissatisfied with those who came in my life. These tendencies drove my life day and night. To gain the recognition of others, I developed my musical talents and became a singer - a star performer in college circles. I constantly seeked pleasure of just about any kind that would keep my past and roots off limits. I must say however that amidst these pursuits, I felt empty and answerless. My craving never stopped and I also never parted from a deep lurking emptiness. In this phase of about 14 years from the age of 15 to 27, I never wanted to look back at my family, never wanted to go home for vacations. Sometimes during summer breaks, I even lived by myself alone as a ghost in the entire empty dormitory or hostel after everyone had left for their respective destination. So much so that I didn’t want to go home even when my father passed away due to a long drawn illness. I wanted to stay out of any family affairs even in such solemn moments of grief and tragedy. I made a short and formal visit. I cared deeply for my unhappy mom, but never really wanted to get into that family mess again. I was deeply ashamed of my past and I thought "Why did I have such a family?". Somewhere I felt jealous of others who had happy families. In my attempt to feel worthy, I continued in my pursuit for higher education. Meanwhile, I never stopped chasing fame and relationships along the way. I got great jobs but could never feel fulfilled hence jumped from one job to another.

Then my life took a major turn. I was introduced to Nichiren Buddhism in 1991 by a friend from college. Within months of my practice, she invited me as a guest to a meeting with President Daisaku Ikeda in New Delhi, India (Mr. Ikeda is the president of Soka Gakkai International (SGI) – a lay Buddhist movement growing in 187 countries). It was a Youth Peace Cultural Festival held on Feb 11, 1992. I was touched by Mr. Ikeda’s humanity and developed a true respect for him. I found it so refreshing that he was telling us that we all possessed our own potential for greatness.

I chanted Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo as often as possible. Within a year, I came to the US for a doctoral program in Philadelphia. Basically I followed my girlfriend who came to study in New York. Since I didn't really want to come to the US, I hadn't planned at all. You can well imagine, I ran into the worst financial crisis of my life even in this prosperous promise land of America which was an absolutely new world to me. To add to my misery, within a few weeks of our arrival here, my girlfriend and I broke up and I was in emotional hell. I experienced deep depression and suicidal tendencies. But I chanted Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo non-stop. Somewhere I had taken faith in it. In retrospect, it is now clear to me that I couldn't have survived without chanting. In my saddest moments, a determination surged to make a fresh start and to mark this beginning, I wanted to quit smoking. I loved smoking. I could live on cigarettes neglecting even food. But after my father died at a young age of 52 due to smoking related cancer, I developed a love and hate relationship with smoking. I had deeply desired and often determined to quit smoking for years but could not. This time I was chanting. During a most crucial night, I chanted all night resolving from the depths of my life to quit smoking completely. “ I want even the faintest desire to smoke to go away completely”, I chanted with such determination. It’s been 11 years and I have never smoked since. I haven’t even had the desire. This was a mystic experience. I became aware of the power of Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo in my life for on my own I would never be determined about anything. This experience has served as an unexplainable yet actual proof of this practice for me ever since and I believe that such immeasurable power exists as potential within every single life.

As I continued to practice with the SGI, I began to feel different towards my family. I began to see that my family members and I share the same fate – more accurately a similar karma. As I became clearer about the true cause of my suffering gained confidence in the solution that Nichiren Buddhism provides. I felt a strong desire to share the benefits of this practice with my family members so that they too can free themselves of suffering in their lives. I started making frequent and long phone calls to my family in India spending hundreds of dollars as a poor student. After a few years, I visited India with a mission to introduce my family and friends to this Buddhism. I chanted with my mom and shared this life-philosophy with others in my immediate family and friends. After returning to US, I continued to encourage them in this practice.

Years went by, several members of my family started practicing. But there were obstacles along the way. The worst among them was - seeing the angry and selfish behavior of one of my brothers who had also started chanting, my mother stopped practicing. I couldn’t persuade her on phone to start again. A few years later, I challenged to revisit my family in India. It was the worst time for my mother. She suffered physically, mentally, and due to family-related matters. I devoted my entire trip in deeply supporting my mother. I slept one night in her bedroom. She was truly miserable. I suffered deeply and silently alongside. One evening, we suddenly broke into a dialogue in which she shared her true aspirations. I was inspired. This interaction helped beyond words and we bonded as mother and son like never before. This time I could truly convince her of the greatness and relevance of Daishonin's Buddhism for our lives. This time it was different. She decided to start chanting of her own accord. I CAN NEVER FORGET the moment in my life as I waved final goodbye to my mom from the departing train. She stood there at the platform with a gentle smile and a worry-free mind. Unlike before, this time she looked assured that I was safe hands and on a good path in life. I too was convinced that she was transformed within her life. A month later, as I came back to the US from India, my mother passed away in her sleep in the early morning hours. My aunt later told me, she had a contented expression on her face after death.

It's truly profound that despite my deep attachment with her, I did not suffer. Instead, all this while I feel connected with her life wherever she is... Through chanting, I have beautifully come to terms with my deceased father. I can freely chant for his happiness. I feel profoundly indebted to both my parents for bringing me into this life so that I can fulfill my precious mission and become absolutely happy. I truly believe that my own life force and growth in faith constantly nourishes my deceased parents.

Nichiren Daishonin, the founder of Buddhism that the SGI practices, states, “ … amazing as it may seem, all the fathers and mothers of the preceding seven generations and the seven generations that followed, indeed, of countless lifetimes before and after, were able to become Buddhas. In addition, all their sons, their wives or husbands, their retainers, supporters, and countless other persons not only were enabled to escape from the three evil paths, but all attained the first stage of security and then Buddhahood, the stage of perfect enlightenment.” (from the 'Writings of Nichiren Daishonin’ p820)

President Ikeda says, “ The greater our sufferings, the greater the happiness we transform them into, throught the power of the daimoku.” (Faith into Action, p143). I experienced unhappiness in my family so that I become that much more happy. Living my life as an SGI member for last several years, I feel strong, purposeful, and happier. I clearly sense that I couldn’t be insightful about life if not for my challenging childhood. Several members of my immediate and extended family are now practicing this Buddhism. My two sisters, their husbands, my brother and my sister-in-law, their wonderful children and my cousin sisters (altogether 22 happy lives) are all responsibly supporting the SGI movement of peace, culture and education and becoming better and happier people. I’m determined to continue supporting them too especially the young ones in family who are constantly growing to become capable “global citizens”.

I say this with utter confidence that with this Gohonzon, we can make impossible possible.

Thank you.

Footnotes:-

(1) Chanting daimoku means chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo, the title and the essence of the Lotus Sutra

(2) Gohonzon is the scroll facing which we chant Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo to attain Buddhahood. It means the ‘Object of devotion for observing one’s mind’.

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